Trust Issues...

As I was spending time with Jesus yesterday (something that, in all honesty, I've been avoiding lately) the one thing that I kept telling him was that the biggest cry of my heart right now is to trust him. Because lately my distrust of him has become so painfully obvious to me.

As I've been struggling with an important decision I've realized something about myself. Can I be really honest? Seeing as how it's not like anyone really reads this blog, I think my secrets are safe lol. The truth is, I would much rather choose the path that requires the least amount of trust in God because I simply don't trust him. I would rather choose the safe, easy, and comfortable path because I don't believe that if I were to step out and follow the Lord's leading that he'd take care of me. How horrible is that? But it's the cold hard truth. And you know what? It breaks my heart.

I think a lot of us Christians if asked if we trusted God would probably say yes. If for no other reason than we wouldn't want to look like "bad Christians". But do we really trust him? Actions speak louder than words. Do we live like we trust him? I can tell you that I don't. And I don't know if I really ever have. So much of my life has been lived in the shadow of fear. I've allowed fear to hold my hand for so long that I barely am aware of it anymore. It's just become my life, my reality. I only become aware of the weight of my fear when I feel Jesus trying to pull me out of it. Whispering ever so softly and tenderly to leave fear behind, step out in faith, and follow him. I want to... oh how I want to. And in that moment with him, in the sweetness of his presence, I believe that I can. But it isn't long before fear comes back to stake it's claim on me once again. And the cycle continues.

When I think about the fork in the road that I'm currently standing in, it strikes me that the path that scares me the most is also somehow, in the strangest way, the one I have the most peace about. And the easy, safe path... well, that has just been making me cry. I've been upset and bursting into tears since I chose it. And it's like God keeps speaking to my heart telling me that I don't have to choose it, I don't have to let fear win and give up on the dreams he's planted in my heart. I don't have to settle for less than his best for me. I am a daughter of the King... so why am I begging for scraps at the table?

Deep down I know that he's a good God. I know he's faithful. I know he loves me. Why is this so hard for me to believe sometimes when evidence of his goodness everywhere? I just so easily let the enemy blind me to that. I think if my human mind, if even only for a second, could comprehend the extent of his great love for me... trusting him wouldn't be quite so hard. I long to put my life totally in his hands. To step out in faith and follow where he leads. I know that it wouldn't always be easy or fun... but in my heart, I know it would be worth it.

Be a Light...

With all the hate in the world today, especially after the election, all I can think is that I just want to be a light. Even though it's oh so tempting to scream and shout my opinions, I will not add to the noise. I will not add to the hate and fear mongering. I will choose to put my hope in Christ. The only thing worth hoping in. And I want to keep my joy, knowing that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

My heart is to be a light, a spark. To somehow in some way... albeit however small, bring light and joy to the people in my life and to people I come in contact with. Even if it's just as simple as a smile and a kind word. Giving of my time and attention. To really look someone in the eye and see them, hear them. Show them that they are significant and valuable. Showing compassion and understanding even to those I may not understand or agree with. My desire is to radiate the love and light of Christ where ever I go and in whatever I do.

Anger, hatred, bitterness... they are a cancer to the soul. I've seen up close and personal how it can eat someone alive. Consuming them and turning them into the very worst version of themselves. I've been that person... and I didn't like who I had become. So I refuse to give into that again. I want to have my heart open for God to work in. That He would do what ever pruning and weeding that needs to be done. I want for Him to continually fill my heart to overflowing with love, peace, joy, grace, and mercy. To have a soft heart that is slow to anger and quick to forgive. A heart that spills out love and light... not hatred.

I've often thought about this in terms of romantic love. How I just cannot wait to be my future husband's (who ever he may be... ya know, if he even exists ;)) light. His reason to smile at the end of a long, hard day. His soft place to land. His biggest cheerleader and supporter. His prayer partner/warrior. His comfort in this crazy world. I want to be the crazy, joyful, happy spark that lights up his heart and life. To be able to pour out the love that God has put in my heart. Okay, okay.. enough with the cheesy sappiness, I get it. But my point is, I hope and pray that I do have a husband to give that kind of love to someday but even if I don't, I can certainly try to be this for the people God places in my life. I mean, romantic love aside, that's the way I hope to love others in general.

"I want to be loved, and have love, and give love. And not just that romantic kind either." - Bradley Hathaway

I know that I fail at this time and time again but it's my goal. As the dark gets darker I think it's imperative for us as followers of Christ to not forget that we are called to be salt and light. The light of the world. The enemy would love for us to lose sight of that. And how being a light to this world is so much more satisfying and fulfilling than the alternative.

Wonderful Joy Ahead...

Just a few thoughts I wrote in my journal on my birthday a couple days ago (on the 5th) that I thought I'd share here.

This sweet scripture is my 32nd birthday declaration. Instead of focusing on the things that are missing, I choose to focus on all the joyous things ahead. All the beautiful things God has in store for me. I may not be where I want to be but at least I'm not where I used to be. I look at this past year of my life and I see evidence of God's sweet faithfulness to me everywhere. He is good... and that's reason enough to be glad.

I want to wake up everyday and speak this scripture first thing in the morning. As a reminder that there are good things ahead. In anticipation of all the wonderful joy ahead. The joy that comes from knowing, following, and trusting Christ.

Truth is, my life may not have turned out the way I planned. And the future may not end up looking like I thought it should. But I'm alive.... still living and breathing in this 32nd year of my life. And whether it feels like it or looks like it or not, God is here with me, in the midst of all of it. He is good. He loves me. He is for me. He does see me. He hasn't forgotten me. And I refuse to ever believe otherwise again.

If there is still air in my lungs, if I continue to wake up to new mornings, there must be a reason. He must have a purpose, a plan. I know whatever it is He will work it all out for my good because He is good. I can trust Him with my future.

Though getting older is a little frightening, I know that I have so much to look forward to. So I will choose to be glad. Trusting and believing that there is wonderful joy ahead. So this year I celebrate that hope. And with that in mind, it's a happy birthday indeed.

Wants vs. Needs...

I think I'm in the middle of learning the hard lesson that sometimes God doesn't always give you what you want but instead gives you what you need. I swear I can be such a brat sometimes. Getting frustrated with God because He's not giving me what I want. Thinking, "God, for once, can't I just have what I want?". Thinking that He's forgotten me or holding out on me for some reason. I'm so focused on what I don't have that I'm missing it. In spite of my brattiness, God, in His loving kindness is trying to protect me. He sees the big picture that I can't see. He knows that what I want might bring me more harm than good in the end. That what I want might just turn out to be what I didn't really want after all.

I have to trust His heart for me. And that His heart for me is only good. I have to trust that He will not withhold any good thing from me... but the thing is, I don't always know what really is good. I have to remember that His ways are higher than mine. I don't have to understand what He is doing in my life, I just have to trust. And act... stepping out in faith and doing what I feel He has put in my heart to do. Having the faith that He will illuminate the path little by little as I walk it. Trusting His timing. I know He makes all things beautiful in it's time.

I want to stop focusing on all I want and all I don't have. I want to somehow find a way of embracing this season. I want to appreciate and have a heart of thankfulness to God for his protection and provision. Being thankful that in spite of my bad attitudes and short sightedness, He still sees fit to guard me. Protecting me and shielding me from all I want but don't really need. Protecting me from going down my own destructive path. Saving me from myself.

"For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." - Psalm 84:11

My Phrase for 2015… His Plan is Better

I know, I know, we’re already a couple months into 2015 but I’m somewhat behind on blogging here, so bear with me as I race to catch up.

It’s a pretty common practice among us bloggers to choose a word for the New Year. A word that will set the tone so to speak and inspire the direction we hope our year takes. If you’ve been a part of the blogosphere as a writer or even just as a reader then I’m sure you know this. I’ve done this for the past few years now and I love the idea of it. It always made me feel hopeful for the new year, for a new start when maybe I was having a hard time doing that. But I have to be honest, this year… I could not even go there. I just couldn’t. I was totally and completely over it. Every pretty, inspiring, fluffy word felt fake and phony to me.

You see, the thing is, I was really dreading the clock striking 12 and the year changing into 2015. All that it meant to me was a list, a long list of all the things I didn’t accomplish in 2014. All the things I hoped and dreamed for it to be that it just wasn’t. It meant so much of what I planned that just didn’t happen. It meant that I had to face all the ways I didn’t change and didn’t grow. It was swallowing some hard truths… and it hurt. And I was a mere minute from falling apart at the thought of midnight on New Years Eve. And I hate that because I love celebrating that holiday with my family. But that’s where my heart was.

Somehow I made it through New Years Eve without any tears… this I believe is due in part to the yummy cheese fondue that we ate that night lol. But a few nights later, I was thinking about my plans that didn’t happen last year as I was scrolling through pictures of people who were doing that very thing. Needless to say, that sort of broke me. In tears at that point I started praying and asking God why weren’t these things happening for me? Why does it seem impossible for me to get to where I’ve been trying to go for what feels like forever?

Now, trust me, I’m not one to over spiritualize things and I try to be very very careful about saying the words “God told me” or “God spoke to me”… but at that moment I really did feel Him place these words into my heart: My plan is better.

(Source)

That was it. No bells or whistles. Just four words… a reminder that His plan is better.  Was it God? I hope so. I think so. All I know is that it was a huge comfort to me and it’s something I’ve been repeating to myself since then. His plan is better. Everytime I start to worry, stress, or get antsy… His plan is better. Everytime I start to look back in regret and frustration or look forward in fear and confusion…. His plan is better. Everytime I get tempted to ignore His voice and go my own way… His plan is better.

So this year, I don’t have a word… I have a whole phrase. His plan is better.

What Makes You Something?

Yesterday I came across a comment by a girl on a social media site, it was really sweet comment she made about her husband. But something about this comment, which maybe to most people sounded romantic, struck me. She said that without him she would be nothing. I mean, I'm happy that she obviously has a great husband and marriage, that's wonderful. But nothing? Really??

I don't know, is it Hollywood that makes us think that this is romantic? I honestly just don't get it. I wanted to tell her, you are so much more than you think. We all are.

It just got me thinking about all the fleeting and false things we tend to place our whole self worth and identity into. Think about it, all the things that we have could be gone tomorrow, there are no guarantees in this life, and then who would we be? Would we be less than?

It begs the question, what really makes us important? What really makes us worthy and valid? What makes us something instead of "nothing"? I know these really are the kinds of questions we like avoid, right?

A lot of us, myself included, fall into the trap of thinking if we don't have certain things that others do that we aren't valid and worthy. That we're nothing. We think when we finally have the good job, money, the tiny waist line, the husband, the big house, the 3.5 kids and cute little yorkie that we will finally be someone, something. We will be seen as worthy by others and most importantly, ourselves.

 

But what if you never get those things? Or what if you get them but only for a brief time and then they're gone?

I have to ask, who are you without that person? Who are you without that job? Who are you without the money? Who are you without the house? Who are you without that talent? Who are you without those friends? Who are you without the perfect number on the scale?

What makes you something? What makes you worthy and valid?

I know for me a relationship with a God who made me in his image (Genesis 1:27), who calls me His child (John 1:12) , who calls me His beloved (Ephesians 5:1), who calls me the apple of His eye (Deuteronomy 7:6), His treasured possession (Philippians 4:8), and says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), is where I strive to find my self worth.

A God who loved me so much before I was even alive that he sent his only son to die for my sins just so I could spend my forever with Him.

Now this, this is my (our) true identity. This is what makes me something. Even when it seems by the world's standards I have nothing or am nothing, I know that's a lie.

The truth is that anything else we put our self worth and identity into is a house built on sand. It can all too easily crumble and fall. The only thing we can count on to be constant is the love and worth that can be found in our Savior. 

HE makes me SOMETHING. HE makes me SOMEONE. WORTHY. VAILD. IMPORTANT.

Let's not forget that we don't need anything in this world to be those things. We are daughters and sons of a beautiful, creative, loving God. We need to find our identity in Him. We are worthy, we are valuable, and we are something. Not because of who we are or anything that we’ve done, but simply because of Him and who He is.

Where I Came From #Blogtember

This past January I participated in a blogging challenge and really found myself loving it. There’s something about having writing prompts that gets the creative juices flowing and helps me really get back to the basics of writing & blogging. So I’ve decided to go for it again and participate in the Blogtember challenge with Jenni over at her lovely blog, Story of my Life. And I’m really excited to get to writing!

But again, as with the one I did in January, I will probably find myself slacking a little and missing a day here and there. I mean… I’m already a day late on this entry, ha!  Typical. But it will be fun either way. Today’s (ahem or yesterday’s) challenge is “Where I Came From” – the people & places that made me who I am. Hope you enjoy and play along in the challenge if you’re up to it! :) 

I came from my lovely grandparents on my mom's side. Whom I unfortunately didn't have the privilege of knowing very well, but always love hearing stories about. Stories that I still ask my mom to repeat. For some reason, especially when I'm sad... the stories of her childhood, of her parents, and siblings can always make me smile.

I came from these two very special people. My grandparents on my dad's side. Oh how I miss them. My parents, my younger sister, and I lived with them till I was almost 16 years old. So naturally, I was super close and attached to them. I do not even think I could begin to recount to you all the amazing ways they influenced my life and shaped who I am. Put simply, I'm better for having known them.

I came from my loving parents. A dad who's a pastor (& of whom I'm sure I got my love of baking from), a mom who's always been an amazing homemaker. They taught my sister and I what it means to love & serve God & others. I see them in myself (& in my sister) more & more with each passing day.. and I'm blessed to think for the most part, that's a really good thing. I love that they are not only my parents but have become my friends as well.

(A photo of my grandparents house at Christmas. It was my grandpa’s tradition to deck out the house at the holidays.) 

I came from this house, my grandparents house, which was pretty small... yet somehow always chock full of family. Picnics in the back yard, a best friend right across the street, cousins to play Barbie's with. A grandpa that would sometimes play his saxophone very loudly (but beautifully) very early in the morning, a grandma who made the best homemade tortilla's ever. A house that has both good & bad memories attached to it. A house that a lot of life and growing up happened in. Oh dear, if those walls could speak.. ha!

I came from a family where God, family, music, and food were always four of the most important things.

I came from this church, where my dad is the pastor, and this house (where I still currently live). A church that my mom's dad was the pastor of when she was a teenager and the house they lived in at that time. A place with so much family history. A place that I'm getting ready to leave very soon. Admittedly, it will be hard. It's been home for so long and it will always be special to me.

A small town with a name that means "Palace"... and if you live here that seems very ironic lol. Really, I suppose it's not so bad... it's cute even. It's just that there's not much here. We don't have a mall, a movie theater, or even a stinkin' Walmart. But we do have a pretty bay front...

 

(Photo found here)

and a big statue of Jesus watching over all the many shrimpers in the area. :D No, I make fun but I'm positive I'll be sentimental about it once I move.

So this is where I came from. All these people and places have in some way shaped who I am. They are and always will be pieces of me. I came from years of some happy & some sad. Some light & some dark. Some good & some bad. Just like everyone else. This journey of mine, this background, has been far from perfect but it's mine. And I'm thankful for it.

Loving a Person - It’s No Small Thing

“Loving a person just the way they are, it’s no small thing. It takes some time to see things through. Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting. We need grace either way.” – Loving a Person by Sara Groves 

Today’s January Blog A Day topic 25 is love. I didn’t really know for sure what I wanted to share about this topic, as you could take it so many different places. I wasn’t planning on sharing anything too personal but as I was thinking about the subject this song by Sara Groves called “Loving a Person” came to my mind… and soon this post came spilling out.

There was a point last year when I was ready to throw in the towel and give up on a friendship with someone whom I love with all my heart. It puts a lump in my throat even typing it. But it’s true.

I could’ve never imagined myself feeling this way. Not in a million years. The fact that all of this was happening was hard for me to even grasp. You have to understand this is someone with whom I grew up with, someone I was so close to,… we were always inseparable. It was one of the strongest bonds in my life and I would’ve thought nothing in this whole world could possibly break it. But somehow, in what felt like a blur, something did break it. It all unraveled so fast that I honestly didn’t even know what had hit me. In a flash things had changed, we had changed faster than I could wrap my head around. I couldn’t understand how things got so screwed up.

After a lot of turmoil and pain it came to the point where we barely even spoke. Which in a way felt easier but in a much bigger way was killing me. But so much had happened that it just seemed easier to cut ties, let go, and walk away for good. I had been so very hurt by this person so many times that I just wanted to get away and stay away. Trust had been broken and I felt like there was just no way to go back to how things used to be. No matter how much I loved them. That love just didn’t feel like enough to us through this dark time. I guess when we get hurt our first instinct is to run away.

“There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free.”

Now make no mistake, I did my share of hurting too. I don’t want to put all the blame on that person, I definitely played my part. I could’ve reacted differently, more lovingly to what was going on. But as the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. And we just both hurt each other over and over again. It was a vicious cycle. Where once there was so much love… now there was only hurt and anger. Even attempts to talk things out and make it right only yielded more fighting, more tears, and one of the worst things of all, blame. Oh yes, the blame game.

“If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it.”

I honestly thought there was no hope but finally… slowly, painstakingly, we were able to work things out, forgive, and start rebuilding a friendship again. But it took us both making the decision to swallow our pride, let go of the anger and hurt, forgive, and give each other grace. To decide that our friendship was worth salvaging no matter how hard it was. Deciding to not run away but to stay and show each other unconditional love. A love that keeps no record of wrongs. Because in spite of it all, we loved and needed each other. And that in the end was more important. It just trumped everything else. 

I’m not going to lie and say that it’s been easy. Truth be told, I still sometimes fight those feelings of unforgiveness. It’s a process and everytime those feelings start to come back, I know that I just need to hand them over to Jesus and let him take care of it. I simply can’t do it on my own.

Proverbs 10:12 says “Hated stirs up strife but love covers all sins”. I really believe that. The love of Jesus covers my sins… and therefore His love living in me can cover the sins of others. It’s choosing to forgive, daily. It’s choosing to love (because love is a choice), daily. Choosing to love and accept each other just the way we are, mess and all. Because loving anyone is messy. Choosing to hold onto each other and not let go just because it’s seemingly easier.

I feel like I have so much to learn about what it looks like to love well… to love like Jesus. Really loving someone well is no small thing, it takes time, but it’s worth it.

“Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through”

The Best Advice I’ve Ever Been Given

I’m sure glad this January Blog A Day thing is super casual…because I pretty much stink at keeping up with stuff like this lol. So I’m jumping back in on day 18 for “Advice”. The best advice I’ve ever been given is short and simple… yet so very important.

Ever since we were kids my dad has always told my sister and I the same thing: “Never run from God, always run to Him.” I can’t begin to tell you how many times that advice has played through my mind over the years. I venture to say of all the important things my dad has taught me, this is probably the most valuable.

We all have a tendency to run from God, to stray, from time to time. We let ourselves fall into sin or even just sinking so far into the pain of something we’re going through… and we run from Him. Out of anger, fear, or shame. Just like Adam & Eve, our first instinct is always to run & hide, to cover ourselves up. I know I’ve been there.

There are times we just rather not let Jesus into those places of our hearts and lives. Maybe we’re just not ready to give up whatever sin is slowly destroying us or maybe we’d rather wallow in the pain instead of letting him begin the healing process in us. It can be so painful to surrender sometimes.

But when we finally get sick of running, when we can’t stand the distance we feel from Him any longer, when our hearts miss Him so much it’s hard to breathe (cause make no mistake, if you have ever truly known Him, you will miss Him)… is when we finally look up, and almost fearfully offer up a prayer. Are you there, God? It’s then we see that He never left, He was there all along. And we start to realize the most amazing thing, a miracle, God’s not angry with us. No, in fact, He welcomes us back with open arms. It’s simply the miracle of the grace and love of God.

Surrender can be so painful… but it’s when beautiful change can take place. And all of the sudden you can breathe again.

I don’t know what you’re going through, where you’ve been, or what you’ve done… but I do know, without a doubt, that Jesus is not mad at you. He loves you. His grace is sufficient for you. And He’s just waiting to welcome you back with open arms. Call on him today. Don’t wait. The best advice I could ever give you is the same advice my dad gave to me, never run from God, always run to Him.

I Believe In Recovery

Because today is the 3rd anniversary of the tragic earthquake in Haiti, the January Blog A Day topic 12 is “Recovery”.

If there’s one thing I can say definitively about recovery it’s that I do not see how true recovery is even possible without the healing hand of Jesus Christ. At least that’s the one thing that’s been proven true time and time again in my own life as well as in the lives of those around me.

I’ve had my share of hard times (we all have) and walked through some really dark places with people I dearly love. Times where I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Times when I really wasn’t sure if things were going to get any better. Times where I truly believed some things were permanently broken. There have been times when the idea of recovery seemed nearly impossible. But God always has a different plan.

I believe in recovery. I believe in healing. I believe, like the organization To Write Love On Her Arms often says, hope is real, help is real, and rescue is possible.

I believe in recovery of the mind, body, soul, and spirit. I believe that with God we can recover and heal from anything. He uses all kinds of things to help us get to a place of healing; people – a loving community, timely words of encouragement, doctors, medicine, music, books, movies, creativity, creation… this is just the short list. Anything really to get you to that place.

I’ve had the amazing privilege to see first hand people I love recover and heal from some of the darkest places. And while the roads were long and hard, I wouldn’t trade getting to see it for anything in this whole world. Watching God healing someone’s heart and restoring their life is one of the most beautiful things on earth.

Recovery is actually a really interesting word for me as well because, honestly, life has put me through the ringer real good these past couple of years. And I feel like I’ve spent the better part of the past 5 or 6 months in a state of recovering. No, I’m not there yet but I’m getting there. It’s a work in progress as most issues of the heart are.

Recovery and healing are beautiful realities but only possible, I believe, through the grace and love of God.

Those Days Are Grace – New Years Reflection

Happy New Years, friends! Hope you’re having a lovely 2013 so far… even if we are only 6 days in. I rang in the new year with my parents. We ate way too many tamales, had the most amazing toffee for dessert, watched the ball drop, had prayer together, and toasted with sparkling grape juice. This has become our yearly tradition and I kinda love it. How ever you said goodbye to 2012 and hello to 2013 I hope you had fun!

Oh boy, reflecting on 2012 is honestly kind of hard and I think I’ve been avoiding it. The blogosphere has been exploding with year end thoughts and new years resolutions all week. I had been wanting to write something but considered skipping it all together because… well, because frankly, a lot of 2012 kind of sucked lol.

Really, even though it may not sound like it right now, I’m usually a positive, glass half full type of person but hey, just being honest here. 2012…and 2011 were not particularly fun years. I mean there were definitely good moments but majority of the past couple of years were full of things I’d just as soon forget if I could. They were wrought with a lot of turmoil, tears, and hurt. Broken relationships, broken trust, saying goodbye when I didn’t have a clue how, losing a couple friendships that I really didn’t want to let go of…but wasn’t given much of a choice.

However, I simply can’t ignore the beauty in the midst of the ashes. In the midst of all of the turmoil God has been working … sometimes ever so quietly but I’ve seen his fingerprints. Relationships are being restored and hearts are in recovery, I believe. Forgiveness is always on going but it’s happening. This has also been a year of God bringing my dreams, dreams that I let die in all the pain, back to life in my heart. But in a new way.

And the biggest thing of all is that I got to see God do something this year in someone’s life that I never ever thought I would see happen. I had given up hope that it would ever happen. I wish I could go into more detail because I hate when people are so vague sometimes but all I can say is that it’s a true miracle. And I am so glad that I am getting to see it. It hasn’t been the easiest road and there is still so far to go but man is God working. And my heart can’t express how grateful I am for that.

I think one of the biggest things I’ve learned this year is that God loves us so much that he’s not content to let us just stray away from him. No, he passionately and relentlessly pursues our hearts. He will do whatever it takes to bring our hearts back to him. He’s not a passive God. He loves us even in our mess but he loves us too much to just leave us in our mess. And maybe 2012 was worth it just to get to see this in action.

I feel like I’m entering into 2013 with a healthy dose of excitement and admittedly a little bit of fear. There’s a lot of changes ahead this year and Lord knows I’m not good with change. But these changes are good. I’m finally going to pursue something I really love and am really passionate about. I’m finally taking steps to making these dreams of mine come true. And that’s a good thing. I’ve known what I’ve wanted for a really long time but have just been too scared to go after it. So it’s about freakin’ time, I think.

And really in the end, while I’m afraid of all the changes and I know it’s not going to be easy, I think I’m more afraid of not changing. I’m more afraid of entering into 2014 not having pursued any of these dreams spilling out of my heart.

So yes, while 2011 and 2012 were rough they are in the past now and I’m so glad that they are. And I don’t plan on taking them with me, I can’t. I won’t let the past weigh down the future.

I remember some years back reading a blog by the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms, Jamie Tworkowski (who’s kind of a hero of mine), where he said something that always stuck with me, “Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live”. That’s how I want to live in this new year, knowing that those days that are dead and over are wrapped in the grace of God. That today is the very best place for me to live.

2011 and 2012 are grace. 2013 is the best place to live.

If I Were Honest…

If I were honest I would tell you that I'm no where near where I want to be.

If I were honest I would tell you that I have a lot of crazy seemingly unrealistic dreams.

If I were honest I would tell you that I haven't the slightest clue how to make those dreams come true....but I know in my heart, they are supposed to.

If I were honest I would tell you that I won't be content doing anything else.

If I were honest I would tell you that fear is what stops me; it's my worst enemy.

If I were honest I would tell you that I'm a late bloomer.

If I were honest I would tell you that it's messy and hard to explain...and even if I tried you probably wouldn't get it anyway.

If I were honest I would tell you that I'm no where near where I want to be but by the grace of God, I'm getting there.

Who Is Responsible For My Joy?

“A lot of times, people make other people responsible for their joy: "You're not making me happy, you're not doing this, you're not doing that." I found out just in the past two or three years that my personal joy is not somebody else's responsibility. It's my responsibility.” – Joyce Meyer

Do you ever stop to wonder to whom or to what you depend on for your joy and fulfillment? As a Christian it would be so easy for me to say that I always look to and depend on God alone for my joy, peace, and happiness… that I allow him to be my all and all. If I wanted to be super duper spiritual I would tell you that, but truth is, I’ve come to realize that I unfairly assign that job to those around me.

Before I go any further, let me warn you that these are just random thoughts that I wanted to share. I in no way have any of these things figured out. But that’s what we crazy bloggers do, right? … We figure things out on a public online forum for complete strangers to read and judge :/.

I’m blessed to have a really amazing family. I’ve always had close relationships with my family and I’ve always been the girl who enjoys spending time with my family. I even have a really close cousin who’s always felt more like a sister to me. These are the people that have walked with me through everything, they know me better than anyone, they have made me smile, made me laugh, made me feel very happy and secure. This is what I’m used to; these close connections are all I’ve ever known. But these people, as great as they are, are not responsible for my happiness. It’s simply not their job.

Yes, I love them and I need them (I always will) but they are not responsible for my joy and happiness; I am. They are only human and do not have the ability to fulfill and complete me.

We humans are fallible and sometimes, without even meaning to, we’re going to hurt each other. Sometimes we’re going to get busy with our own lives and forget to be there for each other. So if we place the responsibility of our happiness on a person we are always going to be disappointed, bitter, and angry.

Now this is not to say that we don’t need each other and that we shouldn’t depend on and be there for each other; we should. God designed us for relationship, to allow ourselves to know and be known. The older I get the more beauty and value I see in community. In having people in your life that you can be completely honest and vulnerable with, to share your heart, your struggles, your life with…all of which I am still so desperately bad at as I tend to be a very private person. These things are so important. But I just think there’s a difference between depending on someone and being co-dependant on someone; between someone who makes you happy and someone you depend on to make you happy.

I think it’s death to any relationship or friendship when you start to selfishly look for what you can get out of it. In my opinion, the worst time to get into a romantic relationship is when you’re unhappy or lonely… because in most cases, you will soon be looking to that person to fulfill all these things inside you that they were never meant to fulfill. As cliché as it sounds, we all have a God sized hole inside of us that only He can fill. But a lot of times we start looking to our significant other, friends, or family to fill these holes and needs inside us; and when they don’t, we get angry with them. Or we end up sucking them dry by wanting constant attention and contact with that person. It’s an unfair burden to put on someone.

As beautiful a sentiment as Coldplay’s song is; nobody can fix you. If you had issues to take care of before a significant other chances are you’ll still have to face them after. Because he may be handsome and sweet and he may really love you; but he can’t fix what’s broken in you. We all have our issues that need to be taken to the foot of the cross daily, and if we don’t, we may not have any healthy relationships with anyone. We can jump from relationship to relationship, marriage to marriage, friendship to friendship looking for something that is not even found in a person; but only found in a daily personal relationship with Jesus.

When we are unhappy and lonely where do we go? What or who do we turn to when our joy has run dry and we feel empty and alone? I would like to tell you that I always run to God but this is not true. I have found that when I’m going through something I tend to shutdown and neglect spending time with God. Which makes no sense because I already know that things just get worse when I do this. I know that I need him. I know he’s the only one who’s going to give me the peace and joy I need regardless of my circumstances. Yet I stay away when what I should be doing is running to Him.

There is only one who can fulfill us and complete us. There is only one who can give us joy unspeakable and full of glory. There is only one who offers peace that passes all understanding. And that’s Jesus. He’s the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He wants to be your all in all. He wants to fill that emptiness and take away the loneliness. And if you look to him for your joy, peace, happiness, if you look to him to fill all the emptiness inside you; I promise you will never be disappointed.

And really, I’m writing this blog as a reminder to myself. I want to go to God and God alone for my joy, peace, and happiness. I want to go to Him alone to heal what’s broken inside me, to fill the empty spaces, to fulfill and complete me. I want to let Him take care of the issues in me now so that I don’t carry them into my friendships and relationships later. I want to enjoy friendships and relationships but always know that my it’s my responsibility to go and look to God for my happiness and joy. 

Because whether we know it or not, what we are really needing, craving, and crying out for is Him.

“God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.” - C S Lewis

My One Resolution for 2012…

I know this may sound funny... and maybe because it's been such a serious and daunting year for me is why I feel the need to say this; but in this new year I resolve to be more free and light. To not let things worry me and bring me down; instead to let go and enjoy life. To let go of the things I can't change and focus on what I can. To let things be as they may and give it over to God.

This for me, knowing some things that are ahead that I'm sorta dreading, will be a really big challenge. But this is what I want this year. I'm not big on resolutions like I used to be... they never seem to make it past spring for me. But this is my one resolution for 2012.

To allow myself to be free and light and joyful. To smile and laugh way more than I did in 2011. To find reasons everyday to smile and to be thankful no matter the circumstances. To focus my attention on positive things and people. To close my eyes and breath in all the good things that I'm way too prone to looking over. To have fun. To be creative. To let God work in my heart and life more than I did last year. To become more the woman he made me to be. To hope for, look for, and expect beautiful things to happen in 2012.

Nothing weighing me down... I need to feel free and light in this new year.

Happy New Year, my friends. May 2012 hold more smiles & beauty for you than you can handle. :)

“Dear 2012, I was freaked out about you but I'm not anymore. I'm frustrated & that's when I'm at my best. Let's do this.” - Jamie Tworkowski

It Isn’t Goodbye…

“On the final day I die I want to hold my head up high. I want to tell You that I tried to live it like a song. And when I reach the other side I want to look You in the eye and know that I've arrived, in a world where I belong.” Where I Belong by Switchfoot

This past Thursday, October 27th, my sweet grandma went to be with Jesus. She was blessed with a long life of 91 years, almost making it to her 92nd birthday in January. She truly outlived everyone’s expectations; she was a strong woman. While we knew that she probably didn’t have much longer it still took us by surprise. I guess it’s just one of those things that you can never fully be prepared for.

In the last few years of her life she had developed dementia and pretty much lost most of her ability to remember and communicate. This was so hard for me, I was so used to being able to spend time with her and talk to her. In a lot of ways, I feel like I mourned the loss of her then. Even before she passed away, I already missed her. Especially when I would go through hard times I would always think how comforting it would be to go sit next to my grandma or my grandpa (who passed 6 years before her) and just give them a hug & talk to them. 

But I thank God that he blessed me with such an amazing grandma as Lupe Rodriguez. We were so blessed to have her with us for as long as we did. She was such a special woman, the kind where no one has anything but good memories of her. My sister & I were very close to her and have a wealth of great memories to cherish. She lived to serve God and her family. And she was such a rock to all of us.

My grandma was a praying woman. If you needed prayer for anything you could always call on her. She would write down all the prayer requests in her notebook and pray for them every morning. I really cherish that legacy of prayer that she left to our family and the example she was to all of us.

The photo I posted above is one of my favorites of her. It was taken a really long time ago but it shows her doing one of the things she loved to do most; cooking great food in her kitchen for her family. (In this photo she is also wearing a cute vintage looking apron that my sister & I now have.)  She was an amazing cook and made the most delicious homemade tortilla’s & Mexican food you’ve ever tasted! I hope to one day be able to make tortilla’s the way she did. Her Thanksgiving & Christmas dinners will probably always live in our family’s memories! Her dressing was a classic to us! And we all try to imitate it but can never seem to get it quite like hers.

She even had a tradition for Halloween that our whole family loved. Every Halloween we would all go to her house and pass out candy while enjoying sandwiches, chips, popcorn balls, and my dad’s “green punch”. This is a tradition that her mom started and she kept it up for all of us. So tomorrow, even though she can’t be with us, we will still enjoy this tradition.

I could probably go on and on about all the wonderful memories I have of her and how great she was. I truly feel honored to have been her granddaughter. I was so blessed to have been loved by her.

Today was her funeral and in her honor I wore the pearl necklace she gave me years ago. It was nice to wear something that she had worn many times before; a small piece of her memory close to my heart.

Even though I really miss her, I praise God that I have the hope of seeing her and my grandpa again one day. It makes my heart happy to think of the beautiful reunion her & my grandpa must have had. I know they are both finally home – whole, healed, free, and in the place they really belong. And because of this, I do not feel like I’m really saying goodbye at all, it’s just see you later.

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” - Philippians 1:21

Heart Condition…

“When everything inside me looks like everything I hate, you are the hope I have for change, you are the only chance I’ll take.” – On Fire by Switchfoot

Change is a funny thing. Life changes can happen at the speed of lightening – bam – before you know it, nothing is as it used to be. And you’re left in the dust wondering to yourself what the heck just happened.

But then .. there’s another kind of change, the change of heart and attitudes that seem to take all their freakin’ sweet time. It’s like life’s own dirty rotten trick.

And that’s exactly the trick life is playing on me right now.

This season has seen some of the hardest life changes for me. It’s been a season of losing and letting go. Dreams seeming to die without much hope they’ll ever see the light of day again. Plans and things I was sure of have proven that you can’t really be sure of anything in this life but Christ. It’s just been difficult. And let me tell you, I will be the first one to stand up and admit that I’ve reacted to them all wrong. All wrong. Yes, these changes have proven time and time again to be nothing short of annoying, frustrating, and downright sad. BUT, reaction is everything. And I’ve failed terribly in reacting in a loving, Christ like manner. It’s so evident that I can no longer deny it; I need a change of heart and attitude.

But darn it, it’s a slow, maddening process.

You see, in the midst of all these frustrating changes I did something that I know better than to do, something I don’t fully understand why I did… I pulled away from God. It was subtle really, but sooner or later I wasn’t even praying or seeking him anymore. It wasn’t that I made any conscious decision to stay away from him really … I just started avoiding him. My heart missed him but I let myself get so distracted by the hurt that I just stopped talking to him. Because of this, my heart was becoming harder and harder by the second. I was just letting the hurt and pain swallow me up.

"Do not harden your hearts as you did in the rebellion, during the time of testing in the wilderness," - Hebrews 3:8 (NIV)

I became depressed and just felt angry and hurt. And soon enough, as it often does, all that anger, sadness, and hurt that I was harboring in my heart came to a head. Suddenly, it became painfully evident that a change had to be made before things in my heart got worse.

That’s how sin is, it’s like a cancer, if it’s not dealt with as soon as possible, it spreads. Before you know it, every cell in your body is infected. You’ll begin to look at your behavior, all the outward manifestations of what’s going on inside, and you’ll wonder how you got there. Sin spreads fast, my friends.

Now, standing in the rumble that remains, all that’s left to do is surrender to God’s healing rain; letting it fall on my heart and finally begin a healing process. It’s going to take some time of digging out the stubborn weeds and replacing them with good soil so maybe in time, a beautiful harvest can spring up there. But surrender feels good. No, it feels freeing. I’ve been spending more time with the Lord lately, and my heart feels lighter and more refreshed than it has in months. My heart really did miss him.

It’s so easy in these hard seasons to ask God, “where are you?” But he never leaves or forsakes us (Hebrews 13:5). I’ve found in my life the times I’ve felt that way are the times where I’ve left. He was there all along. He was faithful.

I’ve also been listening to a sermon series by Landon Schott called, “Out Of Order”. This series is so what I need right now; what a God send! Landon preaches about sins and behaviors that have our hearts and lives out of order and in complete chaos. I want to write about it more later when I have finished the whole series, but it really hit me when he said how if we want God to move in our lives we need to bring order to it; the biggest way to do so, by putting him first.

This seems to be a common theme for me right now. Because I also heard a sermon by Damon Thompson on The Ramp tonight that I’ve heard before but, man, it’s fitting for where I am right now. In the sermon he says “glory follows order”, and if we want to see God’s glory in our lives we need to bring order to it; by putting God first and laying down our sins. A common and important theme for me right now.

I want God to move in my life; I want to see his glory in my life. And I’m ready to let him into the places that I’ve tried so hard to keep from him so he can heal what’s broken. To let him take the hurt, pain, and anger away and replace it with glory. I was tolerating it, making excuses, and justifying it, but I simply can’t do that anymore. I need him to work in my heart. I know this is going to take time and it isn’t going to be easy. In fact, believe it or not; as I’m writing this there is something that is tempting me to go back to that angry and annoyed place. But I need to and have to choose to surrender. Because I’m sick and tired of dealing or .. ahem.. not dealing with this heart condition. I’m fully aware Jesus is the only cure for it.

An Encouraging Video from Joel of For King & Country

This is a video that did my heart so good to see and I wanted to share it with you guys! I’ve mentioned before how I’m a huge fan of Joel & Luke, or as they are now called, For King and Country (known them as J&L for too long & can’t get used to the new name). For those who don’t know, Joel & Luke are the brothers of CCM veteran, Rebecca St. James, who I listened to faithfully growing up. These guys also share Rebecca’s bold message of purity and often speak about it themselves from the stage.

This is a video of Joel speaking right after Rebecca sang her signature song about purity, “Wait For Me”. Joel takes a minute to speak, specifically to the men, on standing up for purity and treating women the way they should be treated. He also talks to the ladies about not settling for any man that doesn’t treat them with honor.

I was so touched by his words. It did my heart so good to hear this brother in Christ talk about this subject; standing for purity and living God’s way. It’s so rare now a days. Praise God that there are still Godly men out there that are striving to live God’s way and that are also encouraging other men to do the same. I also so appreciate his message to us women to never settle for someone who doesn’t treat us right. We need to hear this message from Godly men. We need them to stand up and speak into our lives this way.

This is the video of Joel speaking and then singing the song “Light It Up” with his big sis, Rebecca. The sound quality isn’t that great so I typed out Joel’s message below the video. Forgive me if I missed something as it was a little hard to hear. Hope you guys and gals are blessed by it as well. :)

"Men I want to encourage us, on the heels of Rebecca's last song, which is really talking about purity; and saying, wait for me, and let's stand up and step up. I mean this is what the heartbeat of that song is saying. And what I want to say to particularly us men here today is, guys, let's step up, stand up, be men of honor and integrity, and treat women the way they deserve to be treated. Cause guys, it starts with us, it starts with us. Like Rebecca mentioned, we got to see our little brother and his lovely new bride get married two weeks ago. And man, it wouldn't have mattered if the stage had fallen, as long as no one got hurt, but the heart and spirit of the wedding was so beautiful, because it was right, and because he stepped up, cause she's a wonderful girl.

And quickly too, I want to say to you ladies here today, don't settle for second best. Don't settle for any guy that's going to treat you without honor, and dignity, and respect; because under God you are princesses and you deserve to be treated like such."

Late Night Inspiration…

It's 4:12 am right now and of course, being the crazy night owl/insomniac I am, I'm still awake. I was trying to write a feature on the band Don't Wake Aislin for The Waking but have just felt so distracted. When I feel this way I have a tendency to go to YouTube and listen to music, usually it's videos of The Civil Wars or Switchfoot; but tonight I stumbled upon some Ray Lamontagne songs. As I was listening to Ray sing in his signature soulful style that just captures you and leaves you in awe; I all of the sudden felt this incredible surge of inspiration and creativity. It may sound a bit silly to you but it made me feel almost giddy.

You see, I have felt so void of creativity, inspiration, & passion lately; I have felt like I just have nothing to give or offer. I have felt like there was just no beauty anywhere around me. Things in my head and heart have been somewhat of a mess and my thoughts have been too chaotic to get straight and onto paper. But all of the sudden... there it is again, a simple whisper that maybe things could still be beautiful.  A new hope for beauty seemed to flood my heart... haven't felt that way in a long time. That feeling of, who knows, maybe new life can grow in the barren soil.

Thank God for good music at just the right time. It tends to get to my heart and break down barriers I've built when nothing else can. For some reason I think God uses music to get to me....yes, even Ray Lamontagne lol.

I've realized that instead of wishing I was at a different place and time, instead of lamenting my circumstances, I need to really breathe into this space. I need to see these days as a special commodity, as time goes by at lightening speed, and I will not have them back again. I need to dive into this space and breathe; I need to fully live in this place. I'm not doing that and I need to be. I need to bloom where I have been planted and stop resenting and resisting it. I need to start doing the things I want and need to do. I need to start doing the things I love to do again. I want to live with passion, being creative, finding beauty and inspiration in simple things. And if I start being fully alive and fully in motion in this place then maybe I'll be ready for when God decides to move me into another place, a new & beautiful place.

I believe God holds out his hand and offers us beauty, but it’s our choice to see it and fully live in it. I want to start actively living the journey God wants me to be on. I want to be fully present in it.

The Path To Mercy’s Way

Follow me down a path. It may not be one you’re too familiar with. Follow me down a path. It may be dark but don’t be afraid. Follow me down the path to mercy’s way.

It twists and turns. The lines bleed and blur. There’s bumps and holes; make no mistake, these are rough roads. But do not worry my friend for I know them well. I’ve stumbled on them many times. Oh it’s a narrow path with dim lights. I’m not without blame, I’ve ignored the signs. So follow me, follow me down the path to mercy.

It’s a long journey and I don’t want  to walk through this alone. Trying to make my way back home but something’s always tripping me up, leading me astray. Will you shine a light for me and help me see the way?

Follow me down a path. It may not be one you’re too familiar with. Follow me down a path. It may be dark but don’t be afraid. Follow me down the path to mercy’s way.

©Krystal Celeste

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.  These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." (Isaiah 42:16 NIV)

The Beauty In Discomfort

Here’s the way I see it… you can either fight against your circumstances or you can stop and see what you can learn from them. At the moment I’m choosing the latter.

I think when uncomfortable things find their way into our lives it is our natural response to squirm and try to wiggle our way out of them. It doesn’t dawn on us that maybe that discomfort just might have a greater purpose in our lives. That if it’s present in our life maybe there’s is something we need to learn from it.

This is not meant to advocate apathy mind you. Sometimes you have to fight against circumstances to make it somewhere in life. But I’m talking about the uncomfortable seasons that God will sometimes take us through to help us learn and grow that we often run from.

God uses so many different things; people, places, events, circumstances to prune and refine us. This pruning and refining process is never easy or comfortable; but it’s so necessary. Trials and challenges grow us and teach us important lessons that we may not learn any other way. They make us better people; more compassionate, more patient, more caring, loving, and giving. They make us more beautiful on the inside. If that is we stop fighting against it and let God have his way in us.

" Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." - James 1:2-4 (New International Version)

Our limited human sight can’t see the big picture at work during these times but in hindsight it becomes clear. Why would we want to forfeit the beauty that God wants to grow in our hearts just to be comfortable? The beauty that lies ahead if we let God take us through the valleys far out weighs the temporary discomfort.

The hardest times in my life, the pain that I’ve gone through have truly made me better. There’s a depth of compassion and love that I would probably lack in had I not walked through some particularly hard things with someone I love. When I’ve gone through painful and uncomfortable things I’ve learned to run straight to the Lord. And he has always been faithful to take the discomfort and pain and turn it around for my good, just like Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

So with all the beautiful pruning and refining he’s done in the garden of my heart thus far I know I can keep trusting him with the discomfort and pain. I know he’s going to keep making beautiful things out of this soil if I only let him.

So while some may call these circumstances that my family and I are facing now a “burden”, and some may wish it on us as a “punishment” … today I choose to never see it that way ever again. I will continue to pray, just as I did today, that we will have the strength that we need to lovingly and patiently make it through. And that in the process God will have his perfect way in us. That we would learn whatever lessons we need to learn through it, that we would grow and mature, and become more beautiful inside. That no matter how long this season lasts that we would honor this time in our lives by not murmuring and complaining but learning and growing. I don’t want to forfeit the blessing of this season by squirming my way out of it. Because I firmly believe in the end it will be worth it.

This is our season to learn what it means to truly love unconditionally. This is our season to grow in patience. This our season to deepen in compassion and tenderness. This is our season forget ourselves and learn the meaning of selflessness. Our season to honor, respect, and give back the love we’ve received.

This is my new perspective and even when it gets stressful and hard – which it will – I will remember. So okay God, here I am, your student … ready to learn through the discomfort.

"Not the trials, mind you, but the invitation to believe God for victory has been a blast." -Beth Moore, Believing God