Trust Issues...

As I was spending time with Jesus yesterday (something that, in all honesty, I've been avoiding lately) the one thing that I kept telling him was that the biggest cry of my heart right now is to trust him. Because lately my distrust of him has become so painfully obvious to me.

As I've been struggling with an important decision I've realized something about myself. Can I be really honest? Seeing as how it's not like anyone really reads this blog, I think my secrets are safe lol. The truth is, I would much rather choose the path that requires the least amount of trust in God because I simply don't trust him. I would rather choose the safe, easy, and comfortable path because I don't believe that if I were to step out and follow the Lord's leading that he'd take care of me. How horrible is that? But it's the cold hard truth. And you know what? It breaks my heart.

I think a lot of us Christians if asked if we trusted God would probably say yes. If for no other reason than we wouldn't want to look like "bad Christians". But do we really trust him? Actions speak louder than words. Do we live like we trust him? I can tell you that I don't. And I don't know if I really ever have. So much of my life has been lived in the shadow of fear. I've allowed fear to hold my hand for so long that I barely am aware of it anymore. It's just become my life, my reality. I only become aware of the weight of my fear when I feel Jesus trying to pull me out of it. Whispering ever so softly and tenderly to leave fear behind, step out in faith, and follow him. I want to... oh how I want to. And in that moment with him, in the sweetness of his presence, I believe that I can. But it isn't long before fear comes back to stake it's claim on me once again. And the cycle continues.

When I think about the fork in the road that I'm currently standing in, it strikes me that the path that scares me the most is also somehow, in the strangest way, the one I have the most peace about. And the easy, safe path... well, that has just been making me cry. I've been upset and bursting into tears since I chose it. And it's like God keeps speaking to my heart telling me that I don't have to choose it, I don't have to let fear win and give up on the dreams he's planted in my heart. I don't have to settle for less than his best for me. I am a daughter of the King... so why am I begging for scraps at the table?

Deep down I know that he's a good God. I know he's faithful. I know he loves me. Why is this so hard for me to believe sometimes when evidence of his goodness everywhere? I just so easily let the enemy blind me to that. I think if my human mind, if even only for a second, could comprehend the extent of his great love for me... trusting him wouldn't be quite so hard. I long to put my life totally in his hands. To step out in faith and follow where he leads. I know that it wouldn't always be easy or fun... but in my heart, I know it would be worth it.

Be a Light...

With all the hate in the world today, especially after the election, all I can think is that I just want to be a light. Even though it's oh so tempting to scream and shout my opinions, I will not add to the noise. I will not add to the hate and fear mongering. I will choose to put my hope in Christ. The only thing worth hoping in. And I want to keep my joy, knowing that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

My heart is to be a light, a spark. To somehow in some way... albeit however small, bring light and joy to the people in my life and to people I come in contact with. Even if it's just as simple as a smile and a kind word. Giving of my time and attention. To really look someone in the eye and see them, hear them. Show them that they are significant and valuable. Showing compassion and understanding even to those I may not understand or agree with. My desire is to radiate the love and light of Christ where ever I go and in whatever I do.

Anger, hatred, bitterness... they are a cancer to the soul. I've seen up close and personal how it can eat someone alive. Consuming them and turning them into the very worst version of themselves. I've been that person... and I didn't like who I had become. So I refuse to give into that again. I want to have my heart open for God to work in. That He would do what ever pruning and weeding that needs to be done. I want for Him to continually fill my heart to overflowing with love, peace, joy, grace, and mercy. To have a soft heart that is slow to anger and quick to forgive. A heart that spills out love and light... not hatred.

I've often thought about this in terms of romantic love. How I just cannot wait to be my future husband's (who ever he may be... ya know, if he even exists ;)) light. His reason to smile at the end of a long, hard day. His soft place to land. His biggest cheerleader and supporter. His prayer partner/warrior. His comfort in this crazy world. I want to be the crazy, joyful, happy spark that lights up his heart and life. To be able to pour out the love that God has put in my heart. Okay, okay.. enough with the cheesy sappiness, I get it. But my point is, I hope and pray that I do have a husband to give that kind of love to someday but even if I don't, I can certainly try to be this for the people God places in my life. I mean, romantic love aside, that's the way I hope to love others in general.

"I want to be loved, and have love, and give love. And not just that romantic kind either." - Bradley Hathaway

I know that I fail at this time and time again but it's my goal. As the dark gets darker I think it's imperative for us as followers of Christ to not forget that we are called to be salt and light. The light of the world. The enemy would love for us to lose sight of that. And how being a light to this world is so much more satisfying and fulfilling than the alternative.

Wonderful Joy Ahead...

Just a few thoughts I wrote in my journal on my birthday a couple days ago (on the 5th) that I thought I'd share here.

This sweet scripture is my 32nd birthday declaration. Instead of focusing on the things that are missing, I choose to focus on all the joyous things ahead. All the beautiful things God has in store for me. I may not be where I want to be but at least I'm not where I used to be. I look at this past year of my life and I see evidence of God's sweet faithfulness to me everywhere. He is good... and that's reason enough to be glad.

I want to wake up everyday and speak this scripture first thing in the morning. As a reminder that there are good things ahead. In anticipation of all the wonderful joy ahead. The joy that comes from knowing, following, and trusting Christ.

Truth is, my life may not have turned out the way I planned. And the future may not end up looking like I thought it should. But I'm alive.... still living and breathing in this 32nd year of my life. And whether it feels like it or looks like it or not, God is here with me, in the midst of all of it. He is good. He loves me. He is for me. He does see me. He hasn't forgotten me. And I refuse to ever believe otherwise again.

If there is still air in my lungs, if I continue to wake up to new mornings, there must be a reason. He must have a purpose, a plan. I know whatever it is He will work it all out for my good because He is good. I can trust Him with my future.

Though getting older is a little frightening, I know that I have so much to look forward to. So I will choose to be glad. Trusting and believing that there is wonderful joy ahead. So this year I celebrate that hope. And with that in mind, it's a happy birthday indeed.

Note to Self....

Do nothing half way... dive in head first. Be all in or all out.

Talk to the guy that you can't get out of your head... he just might be worth the risk.

Choose the career path that seems the least practical but fills you with the most passion. So much so that it makes your heart beat faster when you think about it.

Talk to and befriend interesting people even when your inner introvert is cringing and just wants to run away.

Carve out your own path, go against the grain, and dance to the beat of your own drum.

Dance as much as you can whenever you can... even with two really left feet.

Know that taking care of the body that God gave you is more worth it and more rewarding than the chocolate cake. But don't forget to have the chocolate cake every now and again... that way you don't end up hurting anyone.

Listen to all the music all day if it brings you joy and makes your world feel even the slightest bit more magical.

Explore and discover all the beautiful places that happen to be right in your own back yard.... that you often take for granted.

Get your cute little behind off the computer and out of the house. Because no filtered photo on Instagram or Pinterest can compete with the way the sun dances over water right before your very own eyes.

Sit in the café and sip the coffee just because it makes you happy.

Pour your heart out to God but don't forget to sit and be silent enough to hear Him speak.

Let your creativity run free and don't discredit your ideas no matter how big or crazy they may seem.

Let the naysayers tell you that ordinary people don't actually do what you want to do. Smile to yourself knowing that you are anything but ordinary.

Don't live as though you have to impress or prove anything to anyone. This is not a race. Find the joy in surprising yourself with just how capable you really are.

Bloom where you are planted and be where your feet are. But sometimes have the courage to just burn it down and walk away. Shed a few tears for the places and people who loved you well that you are leaving behind. They deserve it. When you need to leave, then leave.

Don't worry if you make a mistake... it's better than doing nothing at all. You will learn from it and it won't be in vain.

Never forget that your dreams and God's plans are often two very different things. But God's plans are always better than anything you could ever dream up.

And when the way looks impossible and all seems lost, know that God can make a way in the wilderness and streams in the dessert.

Wants vs. Needs...

I think I'm in the middle of learning the hard lesson that sometimes God doesn't always give you what you want but instead gives you what you need. I swear I can be such a brat sometimes. Getting frustrated with God because He's not giving me what I want. Thinking, "God, for once, can't I just have what I want?". Thinking that He's forgotten me or holding out on me for some reason. I'm so focused on what I don't have that I'm missing it. In spite of my brattiness, God, in His loving kindness is trying to protect me. He sees the big picture that I can't see. He knows that what I want might bring me more harm than good in the end. That what I want might just turn out to be what I didn't really want after all.

I have to trust His heart for me. And that His heart for me is only good. I have to trust that He will not withhold any good thing from me... but the thing is, I don't always know what really is good. I have to remember that His ways are higher than mine. I don't have to understand what He is doing in my life, I just have to trust. And act... stepping out in faith and doing what I feel He has put in my heart to do. Having the faith that He will illuminate the path little by little as I walk it. Trusting His timing. I know He makes all things beautiful in it's time.

I want to stop focusing on all I want and all I don't have. I want to somehow find a way of embracing this season. I want to appreciate and have a heart of thankfulness to God for his protection and provision. Being thankful that in spite of my bad attitudes and short sightedness, He still sees fit to guard me. Protecting me and shielding me from all I want but don't really need. Protecting me from going down my own destructive path. Saving me from myself.

"For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right." - Psalm 84:11

My Phrase for 2015… His Plan is Better

I know, I know, we’re already a couple months into 2015 but I’m somewhat behind on blogging here, so bear with me as I race to catch up.

It’s a pretty common practice among us bloggers to choose a word for the New Year. A word that will set the tone so to speak and inspire the direction we hope our year takes. If you’ve been a part of the blogosphere as a writer or even just as a reader then I’m sure you know this. I’ve done this for the past few years now and I love the idea of it. It always made me feel hopeful for the new year, for a new start when maybe I was having a hard time doing that. But I have to be honest, this year… I could not even go there. I just couldn’t. I was totally and completely over it. Every pretty, inspiring, fluffy word felt fake and phony to me.

You see, the thing is, I was really dreading the clock striking 12 and the year changing into 2015. All that it meant to me was a list, a long list of all the things I didn’t accomplish in 2014. All the things I hoped and dreamed for it to be that it just wasn’t. It meant so much of what I planned that just didn’t happen. It meant that I had to face all the ways I didn’t change and didn’t grow. It was swallowing some hard truths… and it hurt. And I was a mere minute from falling apart at the thought of midnight on New Years Eve. And I hate that because I love celebrating that holiday with my family. But that’s where my heart was.

Somehow I made it through New Years Eve without any tears… this I believe is due in part to the yummy cheese fondue that we ate that night lol. But a few nights later, I was thinking about my plans that didn’t happen last year as I was scrolling through pictures of people who were doing that very thing. Needless to say, that sort of broke me. In tears at that point I started praying and asking God why weren’t these things happening for me? Why does it seem impossible for me to get to where I’ve been trying to go for what feels like forever?

Now, trust me, I’m not one to over spiritualize things and I try to be very very careful about saying the words “God told me” or “God spoke to me”… but at that moment I really did feel Him place these words into my heart: My plan is better.

(Source)

That was it. No bells or whistles. Just four words… a reminder that His plan is better.  Was it God? I hope so. I think so. All I know is that it was a huge comfort to me and it’s something I’ve been repeating to myself since then. His plan is better. Everytime I start to worry, stress, or get antsy… His plan is better. Everytime I start to look back in regret and frustration or look forward in fear and confusion…. His plan is better. Everytime I get tempted to ignore His voice and go my own way… His plan is better.

So this year, I don’t have a word… I have a whole phrase. His plan is better.

My Birthday Wish for Myself…

To be brave.

To have the bravery, courage, confidence, & strength to let go & take a leap of faith. Letting go of all that is comfortable, familiar, & easy to take a risk.

To have an open hand & open heart to what's ahead.

To receive all that God has for me.

To let go of the past & embrace the present & the future.

(source)

This has been my song lately. Something about it makes me feel brave and challenges me to live. It sort of sums up what I want from this next year of my life. To find my voice…

“Believe, that you can change the world. Your dreams, have been living in a code of silence. So let them out. Find your voice, find your voice. Make a noise."

What Makes You Something?

Yesterday I came across a comment by a girl on a social media site, it was really sweet comment she made about her husband. But something about this comment, which maybe to most people sounded romantic, struck me. She said that without him she would be nothing. I mean, I'm happy that she obviously has a great husband and marriage, that's wonderful. But nothing? Really??

I don't know, is it Hollywood that makes us think that this is romantic? I honestly just don't get it. I wanted to tell her, you are so much more than you think. We all are.

It just got me thinking about all the fleeting and false things we tend to place our whole self worth and identity into. Think about it, all the things that we have could be gone tomorrow, there are no guarantees in this life, and then who would we be? Would we be less than?

It begs the question, what really makes us important? What really makes us worthy and valid? What makes us something instead of "nothing"? I know these really are the kinds of questions we like avoid, right?

A lot of us, myself included, fall into the trap of thinking if we don't have certain things that others do that we aren't valid and worthy. That we're nothing. We think when we finally have the good job, money, the tiny waist line, the husband, the big house, the 3.5 kids and cute little yorkie that we will finally be someone, something. We will be seen as worthy by others and most importantly, ourselves.

 

But what if you never get those things? Or what if you get them but only for a brief time and then they're gone?

I have to ask, who are you without that person? Who are you without that job? Who are you without the money? Who are you without the house? Who are you without that talent? Who are you without those friends? Who are you without the perfect number on the scale?

What makes you something? What makes you worthy and valid?

I know for me a relationship with a God who made me in his image (Genesis 1:27), who calls me His child (John 1:12) , who calls me His beloved (Ephesians 5:1), who calls me the apple of His eye (Deuteronomy 7:6), His treasured possession (Philippians 4:8), and says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), is where I strive to find my self worth.

A God who loved me so much before I was even alive that he sent his only son to die for my sins just so I could spend my forever with Him.

Now this, this is my (our) true identity. This is what makes me something. Even when it seems by the world's standards I have nothing or am nothing, I know that's a lie.

The truth is that anything else we put our self worth and identity into is a house built on sand. It can all too easily crumble and fall. The only thing we can count on to be constant is the love and worth that can be found in our Savior. 

HE makes me SOMETHING. HE makes me SOMEONE. WORTHY. VAILD. IMPORTANT.

Let's not forget that we don't need anything in this world to be those things. We are daughters and sons of a beautiful, creative, loving God. We need to find our identity in Him. We are worthy, we are valuable, and we are something. Not because of who we are or anything that we’ve done, but simply because of Him and who He is.

Letters To Some Special People…#blogtember

So this #blogtember prompt has us getting all sentimental, writing a “love letter” (that doesn't necessarily need to be romantic) to someone in our lives. Well there are a few people that I decided to write short letters to… I’ll try not be overly cheesy. But that may be hard as cheesiness tends to be my specialty lol.

To this special pink haired girl (wearing a zombie unicorn dress in this photo :)), my little sister, Cecily -

(Cec & me while she was visiting this past 4th of July.)

I miss you… like crazy!! Before I get to the mushy stuff, allow me to pout for just a second: I hate that my best friend, concert & baking buddy had to move hundreds of miles away from me. I hate that we never took a train to Seattle and begged for a job at Tooth & Nail. I hate that we never opened up our rockin’ music venue and cafe where we would have gotten Showbread to play the first show. And I hate that we never crowd surfed at a rock show.. (okay, so maybe it’s a good thing we never did that :p). But…

I love knowing that no matter what happens.. no matter the crazy ups & downs or the miles that separate us that we will always be close. I think time has proven that. I love knowing that we can get through anything.  And I love that we still make a way to do fun things to together even if that means baking cookies & making wreaths over Skype.

I have learned so much from you over the years. The way you have overcome struggles in your life and come out even stronger. I’ve always admired your individuality.. the only person I know that would wear a pink tutu to a church convention lol. I would always walk away totally inspired by one of our late night conversations about God & life. Or reading an amazing blog you wrote.

I know that life has changed so much over the past couple years. We both have new lives & new dreams, and I think that’s a good thing. But what will never change is that I’m still your big sister, I love you, and will always be here for you.

To three awesome gals, my cousins Pam, Erika, & Ashley: - 

(Ashley, me, Pam, & Erika @ my grandparents house back in 2000)

(Ashley, Erika, Pam, & me! With Ashley & me sort of hogging the camera just a bit, ha! I think this was taken in 1999)

Oh my, where do I start? lol Some of my most favorite & fun memories are with the three of you. Being homeschooled from the time I was in the 5th grade, I didn’t really have the “typical” teen years, but I feel like you guys provided that for me. Because of y’all I have a lot of fond memories of my teen years (& beyond).

Riding around town all day with the windows down listening to all the late 90’s pop music, talking & laughing (really loudly) for hours in my room, the totally insane obsession we had with *Nsync (Yes, I went there :p) lol, going to *Nsync & Backstreet Boys concerts, and all the many other fun & weird things we did back then. The four of us, always together, we were such a little group. It always makes me smile thinking back on it all.

Even though now that we’re all grown up and don’t get see each other as much as we’d like, I still love you gals like crazy! And I’m so glad that we still talk and still make time to be a part of each others lives. You’ve never just been my cousins, you’ve been my friends, you’ve been my sisters. We’ve had our ups & downs over the years but we always seem to find our way back to this circle and I hope that we always will. - (Kiwi ;))

Self Portrait #blogtember

I have to admit that I was going to skip this #blogtember prompt… which is why I’m a couple days late with it lol. But I thought that I needed to stop being such a chicken and just do it.

See, I’m just not really the self portrait type. I don’t take “selfies” (Sidenote: that term really needs to be destroyed lol.) very often and I only change my Facebook profile picture about once a year. My only excuse is that I, like so many of us, am my own worst critic. Very rarely is there a picture of myself that I’m completely happy with.

But it felt a little weird if not slightly inauthentic to skip this prompt. And I started to realize that it’s not about looking perfect but more about showing who you are on your blog.

As I said, I don’t take self portraits very often but these are a couple I took in July on the way home from my churches state convention with my family. It was a 6 hour drive, I got bored, pulled out the camera, and just started snapping some photos lol.

I don’t know if I’ll ever really be comfortable taking self portraits and I know I’m far from being alone in feeling this way. But I think it’s important even if you feel that way to take them every once in a while.

I mean, I’ve been blogging for years in this space and have hardly posted any photos of myself (which is so not typical for a blogger lol). And that just feels wrong. If you read my blog you should know what I look like.

I think it’s good to remember that someday your children, your spouse, your family will cherish photos of you. They’re not going to care that your hair wasn’t perfect or that maybe you had gained a few pounds. They’re just going to see the person they love.

A Turning Point – Culinary School #blogtember

So this came in the mail for me… my welcome package & chefs “beanie” from Le Cordon Bleu!! I briefly mentioned here that I was considering going to culinary school and took a tour of Le Cordon Bleu in Austin this summer. Well I actually enrolled a couple months ago and I start in January!!! I’m going for a degree in baking & pastry which will take a little less than two years to complete.

I could not be more crazy excited and of course, a little nervous. And I must say, the chefs beanie, apart from looking slightly goofy on me, is making the whole thing seem a bit more real.

It’s funny, for as much as I have loved baking (& cooking) since I was a teenager, I honestly never even considered going to culinary school. For a while I wanted to pursue writing, as it was huge passion of mine… but that passion started to wane.  When I was younger I also considered being a counselor… but that didn’t quite fit. And of course there’s always the dream in the back of my mind of playing guitar in a rock band ;). But the only dream, the only passion that has not only stuck with me but has even become stronger with time is baking.

I love it. I’m actually smiling right now just writing about it lol. Dorky, I know, but true. Spending a whole day in the kitchen baking … well, nothing makes me happier. As I said I’ve loved it since I was a teenager but in these past couple years something’s changed. It’s gone from being just a hobby to becoming a passion. And not to be over confident but since it’s become a passion I feel I have grown into an even better baker.

My dad was actually the one who mentioned culinary school. Well truthfully, he’s randomly mentioned it to both my sister & I through out our lives but I don’t think either one of us ever took it seriously. But one day last year he walked in the kitchen, tasted something I made, loved it, and told me that I should seriously think about going to culinary school. And it was like something clicked. I love doing this more than anything else, I do it all the time anyway, and I’m not too shabby at it… why am I not pursuing it??

So this summer I took a tour of Le Cordon Bleu in Austin (which is just a few hours away from where I live). If you know anything about culinary arts you know that Le Cordon Bleu is known for its excellence & is one of the top culinary schools in the world. It’s actually where the great Julia Child studied in Paris. And the Austin location did not disappoint.

Let me tell you, I fell head over heels in love with this place! Huge beautiful kitchens with lots of professional equipment, including rows of Kitchen Aid stand mixers. A restaurant that all students have to work in at some point, and a vegetable & herb garden outside.

Seeing those kitchens just put the biggest smile on my face! Seriously, I was ready to bake! I wanted to run & hug one of the Kitchen Aid stand mixers & turn to my tour guide and say, “could you please leave us alone?”. Oh and it smelt like heaven in some of those kitchens. Especially one in particular where they were cooking sauces. Needless to say, I was sold.

Life is too short to not pursue what you are truly passionate about. I honestly don’t know why it’s taken me this long. Therefore it looks like come January I will be heading to Austin to learn all I can at Le Cordon Bleu! It’s a really beautiful thing when a hobby becomes a passion. And for that passion to become a career? Well that’s the dream, isn’t it? I have no idea if that will happen for me but I’m excited to see where this path takes me. I’m excited to wake up everyday and learn about something I really love.

This post was a part of the #blogtember challenge. Today’s topic is sharing a turning point in your life… this is definitely mine. :)

What I have in common with Mother Teresa & Chopin… #Blogtember

We are all ISFJ’s!

Today’s Blogtember challenge is to take this personality test and share your results. After taking the 72 question test I have found out that my personality type is ISFJ. What does that mean, you ask? Here are the specifics:

Introvert(67%)  Sensing(1%)  Feeling(50%)  Judging(39%) •

•You have distinctive preference of Introversion over Extraversion (67%) – Absolutely no surprise here. I’ve always been an introvert. Over the years I’ve become a lot more comfortable and proud of this fact. My mom & I were actually just having a conversation (she’s an introvert as well) about how some people can make you feel bad or abnormal for being the quiet more to yourself type. Not understanding this is just a part of your personality. I especially felt that way as a child.

Anyway, this is a whole other post unto itself but this is an incredible article about introverts that I wish I could pass out to (& whack over the head of) every single person that ever told me they would “get me out of my shell”. Especially one 5th grade teacher that shall remain nameless. Ahem, I’m not bitter… I’m better. ;)

•You have marginal or no preference of Sensing over Intuition (1%) – Not exactly sure what this means but I’ve always been a big believer in trusting my intuition.

•You have moderate preference of Feeling over Thinking (50%) – Again, another duh. I feel everything. All the time. Too much feeling. Though I do very much value thinking things through… so I totally get how it’s 50%.

•You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (39%) – Wasn’t exactly sure what this meant either but I read in an article that “judgers” tend to: Make a list of things to do, schedule things in advance, form and express judgments, bring closure to an issue so that we can move on. All of which I can definitely relate to.

Other ISFJ traits I relate to: Family is the center of their lives and they can be a little possessive of their loved ones. They are also very warm, loyal, have a hard time hiding their feelings, and value friendship, especially old friends, very much. They tend to “take infinite trouble over meals, gifts, celebrations, etc., for their loved ones”.

Some things however didn’t sound like me so much, such as ISFJ’s tend to be taken advantage of and I don’t feel that way at all.  And they also tend to shy away from confrontation, again, not me. While I don’t like confrontation I’ve definitely been known to speak up & confront things when I feel the need to. I do after all have some Mexican feistiness in my blood (rawr). 

Some famous ISFJ’s include: Halle Barry, Anthony Hopkins, Kirsten Dunst, and Kate Middleton. Also Kanye West & Kim Kardashian… but I’m choosing to ignore that lol.

Good career choices for ISFJ’s include: Interior Decorators, Designers, Nurses, Child Care/Early Childhood Development, Social Work/Counselors, Clergy/Religious Workers, Office Managers, Shopkeepers, Bookkeepers, & Home Economics

So this has been very revealing lol. If you would like to learn what personality type you are, take the test! And don’t forget to come back here and share your results! :)

Advice from Mom #Blogtember

Today's topic on the Blogtember challenge is advice that you always remember and has stuck with you. Well I actually wrote about this subject during the January blog a day challenge I did here. So instead of repeating myself, I will share with you a piece of advice that my mom passed down to my younger sister. A very important piece of advice my mom actually does not remember giving but my sister has carried it with her through out her life. And here it is…

Never stand behind an open cabinet door. 

Yep, that’s it. Granted this was probably a random caution from a loving mother to her somewhat accident prone children but nevertheless, it stuck with my sister. Apparently we two girls got wacked in the head by cabinet doors pretty often… would explain a lot actually lol. ;)

Why, of all the advice my mom has given us over the years, this stayed with her the most, who knows. You’d probably have to be inside her brain to understand … and trust me, that’s a place you may not want to go. (I kid kid… really Cec. And if you’re reading this, I love you! :D) But c’mon, it’s gotta be a bit troublesome to my mom, right?

So there it is, folks. Mom approved advice. Do with it what you will! And watch out for those darn cabinet doors! :)

Where I Came From #Blogtember

This past January I participated in a blogging challenge and really found myself loving it. There’s something about having writing prompts that gets the creative juices flowing and helps me really get back to the basics of writing & blogging. So I’ve decided to go for it again and participate in the Blogtember challenge with Jenni over at her lovely blog, Story of my Life. And I’m really excited to get to writing!

But again, as with the one I did in January, I will probably find myself slacking a little and missing a day here and there. I mean… I’m already a day late on this entry, ha!  Typical. But it will be fun either way. Today’s (ahem or yesterday’s) challenge is “Where I Came From” – the people & places that made me who I am. Hope you enjoy and play along in the challenge if you’re up to it! :) 

I came from my lovely grandparents on my mom's side. Whom I unfortunately didn't have the privilege of knowing very well, but always love hearing stories about. Stories that I still ask my mom to repeat. For some reason, especially when I'm sad... the stories of her childhood, of her parents, and siblings can always make me smile.

I came from these two very special people. My grandparents on my dad's side. Oh how I miss them. My parents, my younger sister, and I lived with them till I was almost 16 years old. So naturally, I was super close and attached to them. I do not even think I could begin to recount to you all the amazing ways they influenced my life and shaped who I am. Put simply, I'm better for having known them.

I came from my loving parents. A dad who's a pastor (& of whom I'm sure I got my love of baking from), a mom who's always been an amazing homemaker. They taught my sister and I what it means to love & serve God & others. I see them in myself (& in my sister) more & more with each passing day.. and I'm blessed to think for the most part, that's a really good thing. I love that they are not only my parents but have become my friends as well.

(A photo of my grandparents house at Christmas. It was my grandpa’s tradition to deck out the house at the holidays.) 

I came from this house, my grandparents house, which was pretty small... yet somehow always chock full of family. Picnics in the back yard, a best friend right across the street, cousins to play Barbie's with. A grandpa that would sometimes play his saxophone very loudly (but beautifully) very early in the morning, a grandma who made the best homemade tortilla's ever. A house that has both good & bad memories attached to it. A house that a lot of life and growing up happened in. Oh dear, if those walls could speak.. ha!

I came from a family where God, family, music, and food were always four of the most important things.

I came from this church, where my dad is the pastor, and this house (where I still currently live). A church that my mom's dad was the pastor of when she was a teenager and the house they lived in at that time. A place with so much family history. A place that I'm getting ready to leave very soon. Admittedly, it will be hard. It's been home for so long and it will always be special to me.

A small town with a name that means "Palace"... and if you live here that seems very ironic lol. Really, I suppose it's not so bad... it's cute even. It's just that there's not much here. We don't have a mall, a movie theater, or even a stinkin' Walmart. But we do have a pretty bay front...

 

(Photo found here)

and a big statue of Jesus watching over all the many shrimpers in the area. :D No, I make fun but I'm positive I'll be sentimental about it once I move.

So this is where I came from. All these people and places have in some way shaped who I am. They are and always will be pieces of me. I came from years of some happy & some sad. Some light & some dark. Some good & some bad. Just like everyone else. This journey of mine, this background, has been far from perfect but it's mine. And I'm thankful for it.

Currently Loving…

Songs in French – here, here, and here. I may not be able to understand a word of these songs but, it doesn’t matter,  they’re beautiful. Kinda obsessed with this language right now. It’s so lovely to me! Dying to learn it!

This poem by spoken word artist, Anis Mojgani… what can I say? It’s breathtaking. No matter how many times I hear it it always seems to affect me in the same way, chills. I find myself listening to this, eyes closed, smile on my face. He really believes every word he says in this poem… so do I.

 

These quotes from Breakfast at Tiffany’s! Okay, so I never actually watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s until just a couple weeks ago. I know, cray, right? I had seen bits & pieces of it but had never sat down and really paid attention to the whole movie. I fell in love with it! Loved the dialogue, Audrey Hepburn was so classy, and the end? Are you kidding me?! I was a train wreak!  Maybe it was the whole cat being abandoned in the rain thing… then she finally realizes that she needs the cat and the cat needs her and she needs Paul. Yeah, it had me in the “ugly cry”… glad no one was around to see it. lol.

“Paper Aeroplane” by Angus & Julia Stone. Everything about this song and video is perfect! "Gotta say mmmm..." Le sigh… :)

 

One of my favorite bloggers, Hannah Brencher  (who also heads up the organization The World Needs More Love Letters) wrote this beautiful blog back in June.  This girl has such an amazing gift for writing! Her words never fail to touch my heart and inspire me. This is one of my favorites!

Can I just tell you how much I love art journal & mixed media artist, Suzi Blu?! Her creative videos and quirky & whimsy personality so inspire me! Her outlook on art is that it should be a part of your everyday life and that everyone can make art. And she will help you do that in her online art classes!! She’s quirky, artsy, weird ( in the best way), and eccentric… and I kinda love people like that.  :)

Restless

I am restless. Both in body & in spirit. I think my legs are signaling me to get up and run. But Lord only knows where to. They've been stuck in a holding period for so long they are out of shape, they are out of tune. Loss of memory is more like it. I've been stuck in a holding period for so long that I've forgotten how to really move... maybe I never really knew . But I am so ready to. So ready to go.... let's go.

Let's figure out what these legs are for.

They simply can't take this stillness anymore. They have more important things to do. Beautiful places to take me to. Lovely faces to meet and move in step with. A life, my dear, a life so full and passionate that it makes your restless legs dance. Dance in time to a melody they've known all along. For that's what life lived out in its truest form is, a dance. You were made for this romance. You already know all the steps....

So now that you know, put one foot in front of the other... and go.

(Photo source)

The Whole Point – Thoughts on blogging

I was recently in a very nostalgic music mood and started looking up old songs from my childhood on YouTube. Well of course for a Christian kid who grew up immersed in the world of "CCM" that meant lots old Amy Grant songs lol. Her music was my childhood in a nut shell. While I was searching, I came across an interview she did while recording her 1994 album, "House of Love"... an album of which my best friend at the time & I totally wore out! Singing & dancing to every song. Anyway, I love listening to Amy speak, she never fails to inspire me in some way. These words about what compels her do music just stuck with me:

"I guess really what compels me to do music in such a public way is that I do think life is short and if you don't really share yourself, share who you really are with other people well, you've really missed the whole point. When that's really all we can do at the end of the day."

This quote is so timely for me as I have lately been thinking a lot about why I blog... why I've done it for as long as have and why I continue to come back to this place. Because honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure why.

I've never had a lot of readers or comments... though to be sure, I am very grateful for who ever would take the time out of their day to read anything I write. But this little blog of mine is just that, little. And I'm never sure if anyone is really following along. And then I have so many frustrations with how blogging has changed over the years. It's changed drastically since I first started back in 2009. In some ways good but in a lot of ways not so good, in my opinion.

Yet for all my frustrations I, for some reason, keep coming back... and maybe the reason is that something inside of me is simply compelled to share my heart and life with other people. Even if it's just a small group of people… and even if it is sporadically, as my blogging tends to be lol. It means something to me. It means something to me to have a place for self expression, sharing myself with others… and maybe somehow finding community in the midst of it all. Isn’t that what we all started blogging for in the first place? You know, before number of followers, comments, sponsorships, and “building our brand” got in the way?

Maybe I'll never have hundreds of followers and comments... maybe I'll never do any sponsorships or giveaways, but if  I can just share my heart and life with you, the person reading right now, then maybe it's worth it to keep coming back. To share recipes, music, crafts, and my words with you is to share pieces of who I am. And if I can give you just a small glimpse into who I am and what I'm about then maybe this whole blogging thing will be worth something at the end of the day.

Which I will be the very first to admit that I'm not so good at doing this. I think I tend to be pretty private and in turn pretty hard to get to know. But blogging can give you the odd sort of courage to break down some of your walls in order to share and let yourself be known. And I really want to try and have the courage to blog from this place and in this perspective from now on.

I mean, because to not share myself with other people, not only on this blog but in my everyday face to face relationships, would really be missing the whole point, don't you think?

And just for the heck of it, here are a couple of my favorite Amy Grant songs from the House of Love album. Not ashamed to say that I still know all the words lol. : “Lucky One”, “House of Love”.

Yours

(Video from: http://splatexperience.com)

In light of Easter weekend I thought I’d repost a blog and poem I wrote a couple years ago for my other blog, The Waking. Hope you guys enjoy and are reminded of the amazing sacrifice our Savior made for us. Happy Easter, friends! :)

I feel like I’ve been a little more reflective this year of the sacrifice that Jesus made for me … for us. It’s amazing to think that the sinless, blameless Son of God would take my sin and shame on himself.

I think of my life thus far, all of 26 years, and I can’t help but think of all that has been forgiven. I look ahead and I’m sure there will be many more things that need to be forgiven. I think of the times that I’ve asked for forgiveness and still felt guilty… so I would ask again, and again. As if He couldn’t or didn’t hear me the first time. There have just been times I haven’t trusted his forgiveness enough to forgive myself. But he paid it all. My debt has been paid in full and there is nothing I did or could ever do to deserve it. It’s a gift Jesus offers with open arms and all I have to do is accept it and trust in it.

The miracle of the cross is that Jesus not only died so we could be forgiven of our sins, but that we could also turn from them and be transformed. His grace is not there to excuse our sin but to save and free us from it. I didn’t mean to ramble on this much… I just feel thankful.
 
This Easter I hope you reflect on all Jesus has done for you, I pray that you accept and trust in the gift of salvation. I pray that you experience the fullness of salvation that was purchased for you on the cross.
 
Yours
You’ve grown me up. Sculpted my skin, skin that still has the imprint of your hand. I am uniquely yours.
 
And for a time I breathed nothing in but you. For a time in my life beauty was about to begin. But I caved in, into my own sin. It was then that there was a new imprint on my skin. One that was uniquely mine.
 
But the blood that was shed to wash away my sin, the iniquity of all men. The life that was taken so I could be born again. Thorns on your head, nails in your hands left an imprint of my sin on your holy skin. Son of God, son of man the imprint of the nails on your hands has brought me back to life again.

Songs For Easter Reflection:

A Drop of Blood by The Ember Days
I Wonder by Tara Leigh Cobble
Revenge by Jon Foreman
Why by Nichole Nordeman
The Beginning by Showbread (Nervosa album)

Flaws & Learning To Accept Them

The Day 30 topic of the January Blog A Day challenge was “Your Biggest Flaw”… which was …um …yesterday (which should come as no shock seeing as how I haven’t exactly been keeping up). But I decided to go ahead and post about it anyway.

I’ve actually been thinking a lot about flaws lately. It’s hard to say what my biggest flaw is because on most days I feel like this imperfect human being made up of so many countless flaws. And I am…

* I’m the worlds worst procrastinator

* I can’t seem to keep up a work out plan to save my life these days

* I eat semi healthy for a few days then end up caving to the evils of chocolate or Dr. Pepper

* There’s a hole in my jeans

* I can be stubborn and hot headed

* I can be crazy insecure

* Slightly clumsy

* Hopelessly awkward

* Too afraid

And the list goes on and on. But out of all these flaws I’d say my biggest one is not accepting my flaws and not accepting myself.

I am imperfect and I am flawed… but I ‘m finally at the place where I’m ready to stop lamenting it and start accepting it. To accept myself… just as I am. Just who God made me. Flaws and all.

Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to improve myself…because I do. I desire to grow and learn and become all that God wants me to be. But I think that may start with being comfortable in my own skin. Learning to love and accept myself. Being good to myself instead of beating myself up over all these flaws.

There’s a beautiful freedom in letting go of the idea of perfection, because perfection does not exist. And I’m glad that it doesn’t… I mean how much would I truly rely on God if I was “perfect”?

This is something I feel really compelled to work on this year. In fact, I even dedicated a page in my art journal to this idea as a reminder:

This art journal page may not be perfect and I may not be perfect… but that’s okay. :)

Loving a Person - It’s No Small Thing

“Loving a person just the way they are, it’s no small thing. It takes some time to see things through. Sometimes things change, sometimes we’re waiting. We need grace either way.” – Loving a Person by Sara Groves 

Today’s January Blog A Day topic 25 is love. I didn’t really know for sure what I wanted to share about this topic, as you could take it so many different places. I wasn’t planning on sharing anything too personal but as I was thinking about the subject this song by Sara Groves called “Loving a Person” came to my mind… and soon this post came spilling out.

There was a point last year when I was ready to throw in the towel and give up on a friendship with someone whom I love with all my heart. It puts a lump in my throat even typing it. But it’s true.

I could’ve never imagined myself feeling this way. Not in a million years. The fact that all of this was happening was hard for me to even grasp. You have to understand this is someone with whom I grew up with, someone I was so close to,… we were always inseparable. It was one of the strongest bonds in my life and I would’ve thought nothing in this whole world could possibly break it. But somehow, in what felt like a blur, something did break it. It all unraveled so fast that I honestly didn’t even know what had hit me. In a flash things had changed, we had changed faster than I could wrap my head around. I couldn’t understand how things got so screwed up.

After a lot of turmoil and pain it came to the point where we barely even spoke. Which in a way felt easier but in a much bigger way was killing me. But so much had happened that it just seemed easier to cut ties, let go, and walk away for good. I had been so very hurt by this person so many times that I just wanted to get away and stay away. Trust had been broken and I felt like there was just no way to go back to how things used to be. No matter how much I loved them. That love just didn’t feel like enough to us through this dark time. I guess when we get hurt our first instinct is to run away.

“There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free.”

Now make no mistake, I did my share of hurting too. I don’t want to put all the blame on that person, I definitely played my part. I could’ve reacted differently, more lovingly to what was going on. But as the saying goes, hurt people hurt people. And we just both hurt each other over and over again. It was a vicious cycle. Where once there was so much love… now there was only hurt and anger. Even attempts to talk things out and make it right only yielded more fighting, more tears, and one of the worst things of all, blame. Oh yes, the blame game.

“If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it.”

I honestly thought there was no hope but finally… slowly, painstakingly, we were able to work things out, forgive, and start rebuilding a friendship again. But it took us both making the decision to swallow our pride, let go of the anger and hurt, forgive, and give each other grace. To decide that our friendship was worth salvaging no matter how hard it was. Deciding to not run away but to stay and show each other unconditional love. A love that keeps no record of wrongs. Because in spite of it all, we loved and needed each other. And that in the end was more important. It just trumped everything else. 

I’m not going to lie and say that it’s been easy. Truth be told, I still sometimes fight those feelings of unforgiveness. It’s a process and everytime those feelings start to come back, I know that I just need to hand them over to Jesus and let him take care of it. I simply can’t do it on my own.

Proverbs 10:12 says “Hated stirs up strife but love covers all sins”. I really believe that. The love of Jesus covers my sins… and therefore His love living in me can cover the sins of others. It’s choosing to forgive, daily. It’s choosing to love (because love is a choice), daily. Choosing to love and accept each other just the way we are, mess and all. Because loving anyone is messy. Choosing to hold onto each other and not let go just because it’s seemingly easier.

I feel like I have so much to learn about what it looks like to love well… to love like Jesus. Really loving someone well is no small thing, it takes time, but it’s worth it.

“Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through”