As I've been struggling with an important decision I've realized something about myself. Can I be really honest? Seeing as how it's not like anyone really reads this blog, I think my secrets are safe lol. The truth is, I would much rather choose the path that requires the least amount of trust in God because I simply don't trust him. I would rather choose the safe, easy, and comfortable path because I don't believe that if I were to step out and follow the Lord's leading that he'd take care of me. How horrible is that? But it's the cold hard truth. And you know what? It breaks my heart.
I think a lot of us Christians if asked if we trusted God would probably say yes. If for no other reason than we wouldn't want to look like "bad Christians". But do we really trust him? Actions speak louder than words. Do we live like we trust him? I can tell you that I don't. And I don't know if I really ever have. So much of my life has been lived in the shadow of fear. I've allowed fear to hold my hand for so long that I barely am aware of it anymore. It's just become my life, my reality. I only become aware of the weight of my fear when I feel Jesus trying to pull me out of it. Whispering ever so softly and tenderly to leave fear behind, step out in faith, and follow him. I want to... oh how I want to. And in that moment with him, in the sweetness of his presence, I believe that I can. But it isn't long before fear comes back to stake it's claim on me once again. And the cycle continues.
When I think about the fork in the road that I'm currently standing in, it strikes me that the path that scares me the most is also somehow, in the strangest way, the one I have the most peace about. And the easy, safe path... well, that has just been making me cry. I've been upset and bursting into tears since I chose it. And it's like God keeps speaking to my heart telling me that I don't have to choose it, I don't have to let fear win and give up on the dreams he's planted in my heart. I don't have to settle for less than his best for me. I am a daughter of the King... so why am I begging for scraps at the table?
Deep down I know that he's a good God. I know he's faithful. I know he loves me. Why is this so hard for me to believe sometimes when evidence of his goodness everywhere? I just so easily let the enemy blind me to that. I think if my human mind, if even only for a second, could comprehend the extent of his great love for me... trusting him wouldn't be quite so hard. I long to put my life totally in his hands. To step out in faith and follow where he leads. I know that it wouldn't always be easy or fun... but in my heart, I know it would be worth it.