Wednesday, October 31, 2012

A Scary Little Thing Called “Christian Culture”…

Seeing as how today is Halloween I thought I’d have a little fun and repost this blog that my sister and I wrote together a few Halloweens ago in 2010 on our e-zine, The Waking! This is one of my favorite blogs we did together, trust me, we had a lot of laughs writing this one! So if you grew up within the awesome but admittedly sometimes odd world of Christian culture, you may be able to relate! ;)

I (Cecily) was a paranoid and terrified little child all because of a scary little thing we call "Christian Culture". In light of Halloween, we thought it seemed fitting to address the many ways Christian culture scared the "hell" out of us as pun intended lol. Okay lame joke, but it had to be made. If you too were subject to any of the things we mention in this blog please feel free to share your story. We Christian culture kids have to stick together. ;)

It all started with .... Carman.

"No Monsters" music video by Carman ~

So this is one of the many Carman videos that scared the "hell" out of Cecily. Some people might laugh when thinking that someone as harmless as 90's Christian musician Carman could instill such fear in a person but trust me, you didn't see the fear in her eyes. "No Monsters" was a song and video that was supposed help kids conquer their fears through Jesus...but it REALLY had the opposite effect on Cecily. Poor wasn't his fault. He had the best of intentions. Carman if you're out there...just know....we don't blame you.

When this music video would come on I (Cecily) would cower in the corner. The video shows monsters coming out of places and terrorizing people! As you can see, this is still a very sensitive subject lol. It scared me as a kid. It's like my eyes caught the visual but my mind missed the message lol. I would stare at my closet at night and wonder if and when the monsters were going to come out. I would always look for the closet door to just all of the sudden open. It never did. But to this day, I still make sure my closet door is closed when I go to bed...out of sheer habit I tell you!

Left Behind ~

Ah, Kirk Cameron, what can we say? Let us first confess our undying love and affection for you. Mike Seaver will forever and always live in our hearts. However Kirk, we must admit you lost some serious brownie points with us for the end time’s thriller "Left Behind".

UPDATE: Just found out from Relevant Magazine that a remake of this movie is in talks and will be reportedly starring none other than…Nicolas Cage. As much as I know you hope I’m joking I assure you, I’m not. World gets stranger everyday.

The Power Team ~

For those of you who’ve never heard of The Power Team before, let me explain a bit; they are a group of really strong men that do things like break bricks and lift really heavy things, and give their testimonies on stage of how God’s broken the chains in their lives. Pretty cool, but when you’re a kid sitting in a big church watching these men pour gasoline on bricks and set them on fire, and then try to smash the firry bricks with their fists, it's pretty scary!

Before they would do these stunts they would preface it by saying that we should not be afraid of the smoke and fire and the intensity of the stunt, we weren’t in any danger. Well, I’m sorry, but when the whole place is filling up with smoke and there are scary flames, and the veins are popping out of the red faced man’s head and neck as he tries to break the bricks as people yell “help him!”….yeah, it doesn’t feel very safe! I (Cecily) would cower in my seat and uncover my eyes only to look for the emergency exits!

"Satan Bite The Dust" music video by Carmen ~

Yes, Carman strikes again. If you saw this video as a child you probably understand where we're coming from. "Satan Bite The Dust" is the equivalent to a spiritual western. Complete with a gun slinging saloon standoff between Jesus, demons, and devil himself. No folks, we're not making this up. Cecily always hated the devil voice.

"I Pledge Allegiance To The Lamb" music video by Ray Boltz~

To a 6 year old, talk of religious persecution is never a fun thing. In Ray Bolt’s video for “I Pledge Allegiance to The Lamb”, a father has to explain to his son how he is going to have to die because of His love for God, and says his goodbyes to him. The video shows images of persecution that has happened to Christians in the past, and what is thought to happen to them in the future. To my (Cecily) 6 year old mind, these images meant immediate impending doom, and thoughts of having my parents carted away to get their heads chopped off, leaving me stuck in a prison cell to fend for myself would race through my mind…so not cool yo, so no cool!

"Witches Invitation" by Carman ~

Okay Carman, three strikes and you're out! .... maybe. A song and music video based on a true story of a minister being invited to a warlock’s house to "talk" about God. The warlock challenges the minister’s belief in God. The minister rises to the occasion and leaves the warlock speechless with the word of God. As a kid I (Krystal) thought the song and video were pretty cool but Cecily was absolutely terrified of it! And would even run out of the room if the song or video was on, therefore never making it to the very dramatic ending line... "Next time think twice before you rumble with a man of God!!! And by the way thanks for your.. uhh... witch's invitation."

The Thief In The Night ~

Oh the horror! If any of you saw this movie when you were kids you know exactly what I'm talking about. In fact, I don't even have to say another word because just the very mention of the title is enough to elicit shivers up your spine. Yes, I (Krystal) too was subject to this creepy 1970's classic, in which a girl dreams the rapture has happened and she has been left behind. Throughout the movie she is being chased by people trying to get her to take the mark of the beast. She wakes up at the end of the movie relieved to find out that it was only a dream...until she realizes... that in fact the rapture has just occurred and she really has been left behind. The movie ends with her screaming in complete terror as the song "I Wish We'd All Been" ready by Larry Norman played (we'll tackle that song next).

"I Wish We'd All Been Ready" by Larry Norman ~

Now for the song...the song that gave us butterflies at the very sound of the opening notes...the song we dreaded hearing whenever it played. Much props and respect to the late Larry Norman, who paved the way for Christian rockers everywhere, but man did he write a creepy song! “The Father spoke, the demons dined, how could you have been so blind? There's no time to change your mind, the Son has come and you've been left behind." ' nuff said... "I Wish We'd All Been Ready” sung by Larry Norman or DC Talk .... it doesn't matter; it freaked us out either way. Oddly enough we're actually going to use this song in an upcoming church play ... gotta love irony! :)

Carman's Riot movies ~


For their real and intense depiction of gang violence. I (Cecily) would always get so scared while watching these movies because T-Bone was so ghetto and scary, and had guns and drugs and i didn't want him to shoot Carman! But, thankfully, Carman always showed so much bravery when taking on a drug lord... he was da bomb!

Kevin Max (formerly of DC Talk) ~

Oh Kevin Max, what can I say? He used to scare me! Kevin has always had a very gothic style, which now, I (Cecily) flipping love and admire, but then as a youngen, I would hate watching his video for his solo song “Existence” because in it he wears angel wings and I thought he was trying to be the anti-Christ. Sorry Kevin! I don’t think that anymore! And I now dig the angel wings! :)

We hope you enjoyed our look into a scary little thing called "Christian Culture".... or rather the many reasons why we need therapy! :) But we know we are not alone. There are many of us out there who have been holding this inside since maybe 80's...and just looking for a safe place to find solace and hope. It is our prayer that we have provided that for some of you today. But in the event you need more moral support feel free to share your stories about how Christian culture scared the "hell " out of you here! ;)


  1. So funny. My husband and I watched "Witch's Invitation" a few months ago on Youtube. So cheesy but spooky all at once. :)

    1. Ha! I know, watching it back now as an adult I realize just how cheesy it really was. :)

  2. To Krystal and Cecily,Sorry that we,your mom and dad, scared you so much with all the christian music and video's of the 80's and 90's!lol! Looking back I guess it was a little scary for a child!
    We meant well! But I have to say reading your article make me laugh till I somewhat teared up!